From Nursing Burnout to a new life: My journey to recovery

My story of vicarious trauma, burnout, and post traumatic growth

In 2023, I left my 10+ year nursing career, and now, I drive a school bus.

Being a nurse was who I was, my entire identity, for almost 13 years.

I put others above myself over and over again, because it’s what was expected of me. I was facing death almost every day, on top of the experience of working within a culture that denies the opportunity for sharing grief and anguish with our patients and their loved ones.

I was being gaslit to believe nurses are heroes when in fact, we are just regular humans in super human roles. I found myself “bonding" with my coworkers over our shared traumatic experiences, fighting over who had it worse- who ate less or peed less or had the most complex patients, who took less breaks, the list goes on. We gave each other and ourselves these invisible badges, trying to prove to ourselves that this work could be worth it. When the pandemic hit, my negative worldview was intensified, as was my apathy and burnout.

Constantly feeling like the whole world was against me, personally.

My work was starting to feel meaningless.

What was the point anymore?

I was recognizing that I was not limitless in my ability to give.

And if I couldn’t give, what was left?

What was my purpose, the meaning of my existence if I wasn’t able to help people? Every patient I saw reminded me of another- another patient I couldn’t save.

I thought about death all the time. 

On one of my last shifts as a nurse, I had a patient that I was convinced had metastatic cancer, because she presented exactly the way my grandma had when she was diagnosed with the brain tumor that later killed her. I couldn’t stop crying that shift. Thankfully, that patient improved by morning. She was just severely dehydrated. This example of countertransference was becoming commonplace in work life.   

Each story of the healthcare system failing patients, each story of abuse, neglect, and violence weighed on me as if it was my own.

The threat of losing my license to practice as a nurse was heavy.

Not being able to provide adequate nursing care to these people who so badly required it, made me work extra hard.

It was like constantly feeling like you are playing a game of Twister,

trying to stop the leaks, cover the holes in the foundation,

and new leaks gush when you cover one, twisting and contorting your body to try and cover the holes, but all you were doing was creating new ones.

That was my life as a nurse.

Talking about quitting, and having people say, “But you’re so good at it!”

In the back of my mind, I questioned them…. “At what cost?” 

My body was starting to tell me that I couldn’t go on like this. Physical pain, migraines, nausea, anxiety and insomnia plagued me. Instead of listening, I internalized it, and thought I was weak.

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Thankfully, I was able to reach out to my therapist about what I was going through.

I thought it was just ‘anxiety’. Learning about vicarious trauma and Burnout helped me realize I was having normal reactions, after having seen and experienced everything I did. I learned how to reframe my thoughts and regulate my nervous system. I learned how important taking breaks and pauses were. I learned that the dishes could wait.

And that cold showers were helpful.

And alcohol was not.

I recognized that I was a good nurse.

And I wasn’t able to fix the problems that a broken system provided.

And not only was I not able to…. It wasn’t my job. I could only do what I could do.

And if I was breaking down… how could I possibly help others in the most compassionate way? Yes, I was damn good at my job. But I wasn’t my best self.

Deciding to quit felt like it was actually a service to my patients-

because nobody wants Nurse Ratched as their co worker or care provider.

And that was going to be me.

If I waited decades to quit, I didn’t want people saying, “What took so long?” I started writing about my experience.

It became more than journaling, it became a rally cry.

I am now publishing a blog, to share my experience with other healthcare providers (hi, Welcome!)

I want them to know that they are not alone.

And that they are not weak.

I want to have discussions with other nurses to enable them to find their own ways of dealing with the stress of the job, to prevent the trauma and burnout that I endured. And, to let them know that it’s okay to quit.

By quitting nursing, I was able to spend time figuring out who I was outside of that job.

I was able to see new possibilities.

I was able to recognize that nursing wasn’t my calling.

Connecting with people was.

I had a new lease on life.

I decided to go back to school.

I got the easiest job ever as a school bus driver.

I became closer with friends who weren’t in the nursing profession.

I lived. And I continue to live. I know that I can’t change an entire system.

That fighting back was extremely tiring and unfulfilling.

AND.

I can help other health care providers. I can stress to them how important it is to take care of yourself first, before taking care of others. I can mentor and coach and counsel nurses who might share my experience. I can advocate for changes in the education system- by lobbying for more education about vicarious trauma, compassion fatigue, and how to recognize those signs in yourself, AND what to do about them. 

I can be the person that I needed, back in 2006 and onward.

By helping the helpers, I am helping those in need exponentially.

And that feels really good. This is why I started New Leaf Coaching & Counselling.

I don’t have to be in a superhuman role anymore.

My trauma doesn’t define me. My work doesn’t define me.

My name is Amber.  I am a creator, an activist, a partner, a daughter, a sister, a soon to be aunt, a friend, a dog-mom, a bus driver. I love to dance and sing and watch women’s hockey. I love to write and draw and paint and garden and reduce my footprint on the environment.

Thank you for being here.

If you are experiencing difficulties with work, please reach out. We can get through this together.

To determine if you are experiencing burnout or vicarious trauma (or at high risk), take the self assessment here:

Vicarious-Trauma-Assessment

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